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Bart King is the author of The Big Book of Boy Stuff.
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MAKING FUNNY SOUNDS
Armpit Bomb

Being able to make a farting or bombing sound is very important to your career as a boy. The time may come when you are called to make this sound: if you cannot, you are ruined. This section of the book will show you how to make some basic sounds.

I will assume that you already know how to make the sound know as a “Bronx cheer” or a “raspberry.” This is when you stick out your tongue, put your lips firmly it, and blow. Pwpwpwpwpw! (It works even better if you put your thumb on your nose and waggle your fingers back and forth while you do this.)

There are other, more impressive ways to make this sound.

ADVANCED: Makes such a great “Pwpwpwpwpw!” sound, you can play songs!

For the advanced training, you will need a drinking straw. It will work best if it is one of those drinking straws that have a bendy part in it.
Turn your head toward the armpit you are going to use. Put the end of the straw about halfway into the middle of your armpit, and the other half into your mouth.

Push your arm down, lightly “squishing” the straw’s end. Now blow into the straw! You will quickly notice that changes in location and pressure alter the tone of your “Pwpwpwpwpw!” sound. Where the straw is, how tight your armpit is, and how hard you blow will all change the sound you get. If you practice, you will find that you can play songs!

DANGER: Make sure you only blow THROUGH the straw. Do not breathe IN through the straw! You would be breathing in your own armpit air, which can be deadly. Do not switch the ends of the straw around, as that would be gross. And never trade straws with anyone else!

SUPER ADVANCED: For experts only — The Armpit Bagpipes!

Use the straw method described above, but instead of using one straw, use two or three! Even tougher (but great sounding!) is putting two or more straws in BOTH armpits at the same time and then blowing them!

“Pwpwpwpwpw!”

The Exploding Eye!
A really incredible gross-out; practice to make sure you do it right!

Supplies: One of those small tubs of dairy creamers that restaurants have.

For this trick, your eye will explode, which will be fairly revolting. You can do this trick anywhere, but it really should be at a meal, and you’ll need to have a napkin handy.

Take the creamer container and tug a bit at the lid of it. You don’t want to open it, but you do want the lid ready to give way as soon as you give it a squeeze.

Once you’re seated at the table, hold your hand like a tube by making an “O” shape with your thumb and index finger. Put the creamer container in this “O” with the lid facing away from you. Keep the rest of your fingers curled and closed.

When you think you can get everyone’s attention, start scratching with your other hand at the eye that you will “pop.” Come up with your own reason why you are scratching; there is a rash, or your eye feels infected, whatever. When you’re ready, bring up your “hand-tube” with the creamer container in it.

Rub your eye socket lightly with this hand, holding the tube down so nobody can see the creamer. You may want to moan in pain, or say, “My eye! My eye!” When you’re ready, squeeze the container hard with your hand. White “juice” will run out! Your eye has exploded! Pull your hand away from the eye, and keep the eyelid closed so that nobody can see the eyeball is still there!

Then just enjoy the horrified screaming.

All text copyright © 2004 Bart King, from The Big Book of Boy Stuff